This past year, I have been on cruise control without a set destination or any guidelines to go by. I let go of my purpose and in doing so, I wandered down a very dangerous path. I hardened my heart and reverted back to a part of me I thought had died. I had begun to bottle everything up; holding it all in until I was, quite literally, a ticking time bomb. It has been like walking through a minefield for those around me. It hasn’t been a matter of if I’d blow but when I’d blow.
You see, when I let go of my purpose and backed away from where God was leading me, I lost a part of who I had become. In doing so, I had unintentionally handed the reins over to the enemy and he led with the intent to destroy. He attacked my mind by filling me with lies of inadequacies and my marriage with offense after offense. The enemy’s agenda is destruction; his strategy is division; his tactic is offense.
I don’t know about you but I am tired of living without intent; I want my purpose back. I am tired of allowing the enemy to speak these lies into me and quite frankly, I’m tired of believing them. In March of 2017, God laid His words on my heart… Soften your heart; Quiet your soul; Speak out with love; With this, your body will become whole♥ Proverbs 4:23 reads, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” About 8 months ago, I lost sight of these words and I hardened my heart; leaving total access to my weaknesses when I took off my Breastplate of Righteousness. I gave up my Helmet of Salvation and I set down my Shield of Faith. I put away my Sword of the Spirit, I hung up my Belt of Truth, and I stepped out of my Shoes of Peace. Without standing firm in the power of God, I became more vulnerable to the schemes of the enemy; finding truth in all that he spoke to me. You are weak. Yes, because I walked away from the strength I have in God. You are unsatisfied. Yes, because I keep trying to fill the void that only God can satisfy. You are not enough. Yes, because I am an empty vessel without the Holy Spirit living within me.
I recently began studying a daily devotional called The Way Back: Get Your Christian Life Back on Track. (It is accessible in the Bible App and is a must read!) One of the things that has resonated the most thus far is the fact that our churches today are soft in comparison to those of the early church. Honestly, I was raised in the church and had never looked at these two statements differently until now. Accept Jesus into your heart. That is a beautiful sentiment and personally, I know that I have a relationship with Jesus in that regard. Surrender your life to God and live in relation with His Son. Now this is an entirely different relationship and I had never realized the difference until now. If someone were to ask me if I had accepted Jesus into my heart, I would answer, ‘YES!’ If someone were to ask me if I have surrendered my life to Him, well, the answer would be ‘No’.
I AM NO LONGER OKAY WITH THIS.
I WANT TO LIVE INTENTIONALLY.
Thank you for your unending grace and unconditional love. I am completely lost without you. Forgive me for my lack of faith and trust in You. I am no longer okay with leading a life without You at the forefront. I surrender. My head and heart are ready for this journey. I need Your guidance and Your courage to step out in faith and to remember that You will not let me fall; that there will be trials in this life but to know that You have already seen me through it. Help me to lead a life of intention and purpose according to Your will, not mine. In Your Name, I pray – Amen.
With love in Christ,